Posts
I know I haven't been posting and I have to apologize to my few followers (thanks by the way) for my lapse. It all boils down to me not understanding or having the time to try to understand how this new version of blogger works! haha. Basically my old version of Internet Explorer is causing trouble. And my Mac version of Safari wasn't doing very well either. So needless to say, I've been gone.
However, in light of the end of a year of challenges and the opportunities in front of us for 2013, I felt a post was necessary. Please forgive me if my formatting and such is completely out of whack. Forgive the utter stream of consciousness that this post is going to follow. I promise and resolve to figure this out sometime in the next 3 months. Along with lose weight, eat healthy, exercise, be nicer to my kids and husband, and generally kick butt at work ;).
I've never really experienced a true attitude problem. Of course, I have atittude challenges during a certain time of the month but I've grown accustomed to that and am self-aware. 2012 brought me attitude troubles almost every day of the month. I admit I felt beat down and broken. I feared I'd never climb out of the dark hole.
I realize now that I was suffering from post partum depression, as well as dealing with some bad luck health wise and relationship wise. I didn't recognize myself! Angry, mean, negative, sad, lacking self-esteem! Who is this person? The depression put pressure on all areas of my life. Work was a struggle for me to care enough to get done what had to be done (which I did get done, but not easily). My husband didn't recognize me either and so we fought a lot more than ever. My children had to deal with a mom who was no fun and seemed to get frustrated far too easily. My health was possibly a reflection of my attitude but I spent a solid 2 months in the spring dealing with repeat sinus infections and the awful pain of plueresy.... which I was sure meant I was dying of some strange and horrible disease. Or had broken a rib. Something was NOT right with my lungs.
Finally my husband and I took our long awaited anniversary trip to Europe. I went with 4 prescription drugs for all my issues, including the depression. I came home with one. The wonder and joy of that trip and the reconnection with my husband served me well. I came home rested and whole.
It hasn't been all roses since that time. The second half of the year has been a struggle as well, with health issues that continue to pile up. I went on a weight loss journey and started to exercise. The stress of the holiday season with extra busy work time made me reverse direction and gain back a good bit of weight.
I feared that all of these troubles and my attitude issues (my complete inability to drag myself back into the light of positive thinking that I've had for my entire life before this)... were just a lead up to the end of the world. In some ways, the apolocalypse would be a relief. If we all died, we'd be in that better place with no more worldly concerns. But it was the possibility of living in the dark that was concerning.
The horror and tragedy of the Sandy Hook shootings hit me very hard. I still cannot imagine a world or a mind that would think it's ok to kill or hurt innocent children. I cried. I hugged my kids tighter. I still tear up when I think about it. And I'm angry. I know logicially that there's no value in my anger. This was the act of a person who was mentally ill and not right. Logically I know that there are few people who would ever do anything this awful. But in my heart, I hurt and I'm angry and I want someone to undo it. Or since it can't be undone, I want someone to guarantee it will never happen again.
No one can make guarantees. But we need to make changes to ensure that mental illness is properly diagnosed and treated and recognized AS an illness. We need to change the laws so that background checks include some kind of flag for mental instability, or a personality quiz to pick up on threat type mindsets. These are done for employment, why not gun ownership? There should be education for gun owners on care and storage of their weapons so that a child cannot make a horrible decision in the heat of the moment. There needs to be serious (and God willing, not political) discussion on the best way to execute these kinds of safeguards while still maintaining the freedoms we are accustomed to and require. I am not willing to sacrifice my right to bear arms and I for damn sure want to be able to defend my home if some crazy person tries to hurt my children. There must be a balance between these two goals. There must be a REAL SOLUTION that will actually help the PROBLEM and not just make a good soundbite. I'm sure that I haven't considered all the angles yet but I think we can all agree that some change is warranted and a discussion must be started.
Coming back off my soapbox, 2013 is looking bright. We didn't all end on December 21st or at the end of 2012. We've made it to 2013!!! Hurray! This means that we can start planning for tomorrow, and looking to our future. We can do anything in 2013. It all starts with our good intentions and us doing something to move forward. I spent 2012 afraid to step for fear of being wrong or too sad to see the light at the end of the tunnel. 2013 is going to be a year of running forward to meet my goals and get into the light. I refuse to let the negative attitude return. There will be challenges and things won't always go the way I want. But I will meet 2013 with hope and a smile and know that it's all possible. I choose happy. I hope you do too. Happy New Year!
