I know I've been gone...

I know I haven't been posting and I have to apologize to my few followers (thanks by the way) for my lapse.  It all boils down to me not understanding or having the time to try to understand how this new version of blogger works! haha.  Basically my old version of Internet Explorer is causing trouble. And my Mac version of Safari wasn't doing very well either.   So needless to say, I've been gone. 
However, in light of the end of a year of challenges and the opportunities in front of us for 2013, I felt a post was necessary.  Please forgive me if my formatting and such is completely out of whack. Forgive the utter stream of consciousness that this post is going to follow.  I promise and resolve to figure this out sometime in the next 3 months. Along with lose weight, eat healthy, exercise, be nicer to my kids and husband, and generally kick butt at work ;).
I've never really experienced a true attitude problem.  Of course, I have atittude challenges during a certain time of the month but I've grown accustomed to that and am self-aware.  2012 brought me attitude troubles almost every day of the month.  I admit I felt beat down and broken. I feared I'd never climb out of the dark hole. 
I realize now that I was suffering from post partum depression, as well as dealing with some bad luck health wise and relationship wise. I didn't recognize myself!  Angry, mean, negative, sad, lacking self-esteem! Who is this person?  The depression put pressure on all areas of my life.  Work was a struggle for me to care enough to get done what had to be done (which I did get done, but not easily).  My husband didn't recognize me either and so we fought a lot more than ever.  My children had to deal with a mom who was no fun and seemed to get frustrated far too easily.  My health was possibly a reflection of my attitude but I spent a solid 2 months in the spring dealing with repeat sinus infections and the awful pain of plueresy.... which I was sure meant I was dying of some strange and horrible disease. Or had broken a rib. Something was NOT right with my lungs.
Finally my husband and I took our long awaited anniversary trip to Europe.  I went with 4 prescription drugs for all my issues, including the depression.  I came home with one.  The wonder and joy of that trip and the reconnection with my husband served me well.  I came home rested and whole.
It hasn't been all roses since that time. The second half of the year has been a struggle as well, with health issues that continue to pile up.  I went on a weight loss journey and started to exercise.  The stress of the holiday season with extra busy work time made me reverse direction and gain back a good bit of weight.
I feared that all of these troubles and my attitude issues (my complete inability to drag myself back into the light of positive thinking that I've had for my entire life before this)... were just a lead up to the end of the world.  In some ways, the apolocalypse would be a relief.  If we all died, we'd be in that better place with no more worldly concerns.  But it was the possibility of living in the dark that was concerning.
The horror and tragedy of the Sandy Hook shootings hit me very hard. I still cannot imagine a world or a mind that would think it's ok to kill or hurt innocent children.  I cried.  I hugged my kids tighter. I still tear up when I think about it. And I'm angry.  I know logicially that there's no value in my anger.  This was the act of a person who was mentally ill and not right.  Logically I know that there are few people who would ever do anything this awful.  But in my heart, I hurt and I'm angry and I want someone to undo it. Or since it can't be undone, I want someone to guarantee it will never happen again.
No one can make guarantees. But we need to make changes to ensure that mental illness is properly diagnosed and treated and recognized AS an illness.  We need to change the laws so that background checks include some kind of flag for mental instability, or a personality quiz to pick up on threat type mindsets.  These are done for employment, why not gun ownership?  There should be education for gun owners on care and storage of their weapons so that a child cannot make a horrible decision in the heat of the moment. There needs to be serious (and God willing, not political) discussion on the best way to execute these kinds of safeguards while still maintaining the freedoms we are accustomed to and require.  I am not willing to sacrifice my right to bear arms and I for damn sure want to be able to defend my home if some crazy person tries to hurt my children.  There must be a balance between these two goals.  There must be a REAL SOLUTION that will actually help the PROBLEM and not just make a good soundbite.  I'm sure that I haven't considered all the angles yet but I think we can all agree that some change is warranted and a discussion must be started.
Coming back off my soapbox, 2013 is looking bright.  We didn't all end on December 21st or at the end of 2012.  We've made it to 2013!!! Hurray!  This means that we can start planning for tomorrow, and looking to our future. We can do anything in 2013. It all starts with our good intentions and us doing something to move forward.  I spent 2012 afraid to step for fear of being wrong or too sad to see the light at the end of the tunnel. 2013 is going to be a year of running forward to meet my goals and get into the light.  I refuse to let the negative attitude return.  There will be challenges and things won't always go the way I want. But I will meet 2013 with hope and a smile and know that it's all possible. I choose happy.  I hope you do too.  Happy New Year!

Hope, life, love and sweet baby cuteness

I went with my girls to visit my sister and her family this past weekend.  My sister was 38 weeks pregnant and my young neice is just under 2 years old.  Add in me and my two girls and you have a recipe for chaos :).  Fortunately the weekend moved smoothly. I was impressed with how well my neice and baby daughter got along.  They are only 1 year apart but I guess I expected a bigger gap in their interests and abilities.  It was so fun and exciting to see them fascinated with each other.  I took them for a walk in the 'new to them' double stroller and my neice was patting the baby's head and telling her, It's ok baby.  Adorable.  My older daughter was patient and fun for the two younger girls.  I had special time with each. Happy mommy / aunt weekend.  My older daughter even told me it was fun - score!

My sister is wonderful.  Caring, loving, smart, a great companion and my oldest and best friend.  Yet any woman at 9 months pregnant, is bound to be slightly cranky, haha.  We did not fight or get upset but I'm sure we each had our moments.  Nevertheless, I left for the airport on Monday wishing we lived closer and could spend more time together.  I especially wished that our children could play more regularly as I remember my cousins and I did.

Monday afternoon brought news that my sister's blood pressure was too high and she was to be induced the following morning.  The next 12 hours were fraught with anxiety, information gathering, and yes, prayer.  Thankfully the labor was relatively uneventful and baby nephew arrived safely.  He is absolutely adorable; tiny and perfect.

As I gaze at his picture, I am reminded of the hope, joy and love that such new life brings.  Tiny babies are a blessing and a wake up call rolled up into one.  This tiny person will learn everything from scratch.  We (the community or the parents) are influencing how he views the world.  As parents, this concept is not new.  We know we have tremendous responsibility and influence to the little people.  And we bemoan the fact that we no longer have such influence during those wonderful teenage years.  And of course we worry at least a little about how our actions will appear to the therapist some day!

Yet my message today is for the community.  Teachers, coaches, neighbors, family, friends, grocery store clerk, photographer, bus driver, policeman, fireman, professional athlete, nurse, doctor, dentist, stranger on the street, stranger waiting behind us in a long line, stranger on the airplane... you have influence too!  This tiny boy (and all the kids really) are watching you.  They see how you say please or thank you (or how you don't). They hear your tone and learn to read your body language.  They see how we interact with each other and with them.   They are looking to us to learn what's right and what's wrong; what's good and what's bad; what's success and what's failure.

So I respectfully ask you to use this influence for the benefit of the child and the world.  Treat others as you would like to be treated.  Smile at that small baby on the plane, even if you may be having a less relaxing flight than you hoped.  Give a word of encouragement to that mother or father dealing with a temper tantrum.  Or at least walk away before criticizing their choices.  Be polite to people as much as you can.  Use decent language, or at least bad language quietly ;).  Remember who's watching and learning so often, even when you aren't aware.   

I for one, would like to leave our children in a better place than I had.  I want them to be BETTER than me.  Common decency and respect for each other is something we do have to practice, in order to teach.  This generation is growing up in a vastly different world than we did.  But they are our hope and our future.  They may grow to be the next president, CEO, church pastor, healer, scientist, bus driver.  We need them to care about the world, themselves and each other. 

"I believe the children are our future
Teach them well and let them lead the way
Show them all the beauty they possess inside
Give them a sense of pride to make it easier
Let the children's laughter remind us how we used to be."
Whitney Houston, The Greatest Love of All lyrics